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♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

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♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

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♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

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♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

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♪ Gory stories, we do that

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♪ And your host, a talking rat

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♪ The past is no longer a mystery

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♪ Welcome to

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♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

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Horrible Histories presents...

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What kind of job do you want to do?

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I've been talking to my school
careers adviser

16
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,200
and, apparently, I might have to
consider alternatives

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00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:50,440
to a glamorous TV presenting job
in a smelly sewer.

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00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:54,000
But the dream can't last forever.
TOILET FLUSHES

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00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,680
So, if I'm going to find
a new career,

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I thought I'd use some jobs
from the past as a guide

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00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,760
for what I could do!

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First off, I need to avoid some of
the worst jobs from history.

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Mm!

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That dinner was delightful.

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Well, you certainly enjoyed yourself.

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Not sure three helpings of cabbage
was a good idea.

27
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,320
Oh, well, it's not every day you
get to visit the...

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HIS STOMACH GROWLS
Oh, dear.

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You're just going to have to hold
it. I don't think I can hold it!

30
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Greetings, friend.

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'Tis I, Loo Man,

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aka The Caped Convenience,

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aka The Walking Water Closet,

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00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,200
aka The Living Little Boys' Room.

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I come when people need...

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...to go.

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HIS STOMACH GROWLS
Whatever. Gang way!

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HE FARTS LOUDLY
Ah!

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FARTING CONTINUES

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HE SIGHS

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Excuse me! Do not use
the cape to wipe on!

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Use the damp rag provided.

43
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Unbelievable!

44
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Thank you, whoever you are.

45
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I told you, I'm Loo Man.

46
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Your bill.

47
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,880
Oh, didn't realise
there'd be any charge.

48
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You think people do this for fun?

49
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,160
How much? That's daylight robbery!

50
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Overcharging again, Thomas Butcher?

51
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,840
Do not reveal my secret identity!

52
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,280
It's not much of a secret! People
can smell you coming a mile off!

53
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Look, he's charged us
a shilling to spend a penny!

54
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I think you'll find I didn't do
anything, Officer.

55
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Didn't do anything?
What is that, then?

56
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Where did this come from?

57
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Are poos falling from the sky?

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That was in there when I went in.

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He's lying! It's still warm!

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HE STAMMERS
You're coming with me!

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Overcharging again!

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MAN'S STOMACH GROWLS
Oh, no, no, no!

63
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Wait, wait, wait!

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Keep the change!

65
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Ah!
HE FARTS

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I might be in here a while.

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Have you got a bigger bucket?

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FARTING CONTINUES

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Well, you're the best delivery man
we've seen.

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You got the job.

71
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Oh, thank you! I won't let you down.

72
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You better not, or that's a lot of
people's Christmases ruined.

73
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Hang on, this is a Christmas job?

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It's only September.
I thought the job started today.

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It does. Come on, then!

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Whoa!
TURKEY GOBBLES

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Norfolk turkeys. Best in the land!

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But why start now? Ow!

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It takes months to walk a turkey
from Norfolk to London,

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and they lose weight on the journey.
Ow! Shoo! Ow!

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So you got to get there early
to fatten them up again.

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Wait, you want me to walk
a turkey to London?

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MAN GUFFAWS

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Of course not!

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If you do it one at a time,
it would take forever.

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You're taking 1,000 turkeys!

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ALL GOBBLE

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GOBBLING STOPS

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GOBBLING RESUMES

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GOBBLING STOPS

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You're expecting me to walk
them lot over 100 miles?!

92
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{\an8}Well, how else are you going
to get 'em there?

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Ow! Cut that out! Don't worry.

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I'm going to give you this
little stick! But...

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And these boots.

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They won't fit me! I'm a ten!

97
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Oh, they're not for you!
HE LAUGHS

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They're for the turkeys!

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They're made of leather so their
little feet don't get tired.

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Go on, put these on that one.

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Have a practice.

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You can't be...

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HE SIGHS, TURKEY GOBBLES

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Argh!

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GOBBLING CONTINUES
Argh!

106
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Get a move on.

107
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,400
You'll have to set off soon
or you'll hit the traffic.

108
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,360
Trust me, there're a lot of turkeys
travelling from Norfolk to London.

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HE BREATHES HEAVILY

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I did it.

111
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Well done!

112
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You can do the others now.

113
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Argh!

114
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Don't let them get you
on the ground!

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Oh!
HE GROANS

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I know what you did wrong.

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You forgot your little stick.

118
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Gah!

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Right, so turkey walker and loo man
are off the list.

120
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For one thing,
I've only got little legs,

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so I'd struggle with the bucket.

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HE CACKLES

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I do kind of fancy doing a job that's
a little bit different, though,

124
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and there have definitely been a few
of those throughout history - hm.

125
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{\an8}I've got 500 people who need to be
working in my factory by 6am...

126
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...but there's no way I'm going to
pay them enough

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to afford alarm clocks.

128
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We could call... the Knocker-Upper.

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I heard someone was looking for me.

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VOICE-OVER: She'll give everyone
a wake-up call...

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RESIDENT: Thanks, Jane!

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Thank you!

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Ow, my eye!

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You're welcome.

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...armed with her trusty peashooter.

136
00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,920
{\an8}You can't hit this snooze button.

137
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,200
Sorry about the bedpan, Jane.
I woke up in a bad mood.

138
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That's OK, lady.

139
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,000
Still, I should've emptied it first.

140
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,560
Ah.

141
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,440
The Knocker-Upper in...

142
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,760
Harold, this is a STEM jobs fair.

143
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,680
I work in science.

144
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,840
Mm, you sell cakes at the science
museum. It's not the same thing.

145
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,320
SAILOR: Interested
in seeing the world?

146
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:04,560
Getting your hands dirty exploiting
our natural resources?

147
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:08,280
Join my whaling expedition
and I'll make you rich!

148
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,880
We can kill over 100 whales
in a single voyage.

149
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:13,080
That's awful!

150
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,000
The cruelty's bad enough, but if you
keep hunting them like that,

151
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,040
we'll have none left!

152
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,880
Hm, yeah, that'd be a shame,
given how useful they are.

153
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,480
Every part of the whale
makes money, you see.

154
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,480
The bones are used in clothing,

155
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,520
the oil's used in lamps...

156
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:28,960
COUPLE GASPS

157
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,920
Ah! And we eat their vomit.

158
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,920
{\an8}Well, I think it's disgusting,

159
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,520
{\an8}particularly the vomit thing.

160
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,440
Oh, then I'd better not
tell you about

161
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,120
using their poo to dye clothes.

162
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,920
Um, can I ask how you lost your...?
And your...?

163
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,480
Minor work injuries.

164
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,680
Yeah, it can take hours
to kill a whale

165
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,400
and, by then,
they've smashed the boat

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00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,880
and most of your limbs to pieces.

167
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,000
WOMAN GASPS

168
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,880
SAILOR BELCHES
Harold, shall we?

169
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,040
Oh!

170
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,280
Oh, not again!

171
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:58,760
Is that my other leg?

172
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,400
PROSPECTOR: Interested
in oil prospecting?

173
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,480
Oh, gosh! There's another one!

174
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,800
You could explore
our beautiful planet

175
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,840
AND get rich in an instant!

176
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,280
Ooh, that's interesting!
What about...?

177
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:14,480
Hang on, are you what happens
to oil prospectors?

178
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:18,520
Well, I grant you there's poor
sanitation and fires are common,

179
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,240
but I was fur trapping when I got
attacked by the bear,

180
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,480
so that doesn't count!

181
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:23,600
Fur trapping? Yup!

182
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,200
If you're interested
in fur trapping,

183
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,520
they've got a stall over there

184
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,520
and an actual bear you
can play with.

185
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:29,880
That sounds very dangerous.

186
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,600
Yeah, it is.
BEAR GROWLS

187
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,200
Oh, look, the bear escaped.

188
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,280
The bear escaped! Argh!

189
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,520
Can we go home now?

190
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,240
RAILROAD WORKER: You want a job
building the American railroads?

191
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,760
Ooh, railroads?

192
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,480
Don't need qualifications,

193
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,240
just a steady hand!

194
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:47,720
Perfect! Great!

195
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,800
We're giving people
a try-out right now.

196
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,360
All you have to do is carry
a box of nitroglycerine

197
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,200
from one table to another.

198
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,800
Er, isn't nitroglycerine
incredibly explosive?

199
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:58,880
Yes, it is!

200
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,600
That's why we use it to blast holes
in the mountains,

201
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:02,920
for the train tunnels.

202
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:07,560
Right, you just have to
be really, really care...

203
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,840
...care...

204
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,560
HE BREATHES HEAVILY

205
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:11,760
Achoo!

206
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,200
Oh!

207
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:20,120
You know what? I might just go back
to selling cakes at the museum.

208
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,080
SHE SIGHS

209
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,320
Blown up?

210
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,560
Shipwrecked?

211
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,640
Swallowed by whales? No, thank you!

212
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,480
I'd rather do something safer.

213
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,160
There have been some incredibly
clever inventors,

214
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,520
and maybe I could be one of them!

215
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:38,080
I have, after all, invented... this.

216
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,160
Behold, the fart stick!

217
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,480
It fires farts at your friends.

218
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,320
Genius, I know!

219
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,720
I'll give you a demo.

220
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,560
Ugh. Oh, is that...?

221
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,480
No, that's... Oh, come on.

222
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,160
Now... Now, it must be jammed.

223
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,760
Still, inventing could be my thing!

224
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:54,960
Yeah!
MACHINE FARTS

225
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,560
SHOUTING: Ugh!

226
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,080
THUD

227
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,440
VOICE-OVER: Sorting out
the beefs of the past...

228
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,160
King John, listen to me.

229
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,840
I don't care if you've signed
your name with an X

230
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,440
or a big sloppy kiss.

231
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,480
...with the justice of today.

232
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,160
The Magna Carta is a legal document!

233
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,080
Welcome to...

234
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,680
Two of electricity's great minds,

235
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,840
George Westinghouse
and Nikola Tesla,

236
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,840
are seeking damages
from the defendant,

237
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,960
world-famous inventor Thomas Edison,

238
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,960
over who invented the best
electrical current.

239
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,520
Right, which one of
you sparky fellows

240
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,520
wants to tell me what's
going on, then?

241
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,560
HE CLEARS THROAT
Thomas Edison, Your Rindersty.

242
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,760
Allow me to illuminate you, which
is something I should be good at,

243
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,280
because I invented the light bulb.

244
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,040
Hang on, Judge. George Westinghouse.

245
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,320
He didn't invent the light bulb, he
just invented a more popular one.

246
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,680
{\an8}I decided to use my light bulb,
which I definitely invented,

247
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,760
to create a company that would
make streetlamps,

248
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,760
but I'm having problems
with these two men

249
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,040
because they claim to have a better
electrical current system than me.

250
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,160
Yes, and what exactly is the
difference between the two systems?

251
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,880
Well, I use DC - that's direct current.

252
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,040
And I use AC - alternating current.

253
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,800
It's cheaper AND more efficient.

254
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,920
It's more dangerous, more like,

255
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,560
and he didn't create it!

256
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,880
He is marketing it.

257
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,160
Well, hang on a second,
who did invent it?

258
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,360
Hello. Nikola Tesla.

259
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,160
But why isn't he marketing it,
for goodness sake?

260
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,440
I am in love with a pigeon.
PIGEON COOS

261
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:27,360
{\an8}Uh, some people say
that Nikola is... strange.

262
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,800
It has glowing eyes. OK.

263
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,840
Alternating current
is completely safe.

264
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,920
Poppycock! In the last year alone,

265
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,440
dozens of stray cats, stray dogs...
CAT YOWLS, DOG BARKS

266
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,600
...and even a circus elephant...
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

267
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,120
...have been electrocuted by
alternating current.

268
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,720
Yes, by you.

269
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,160
Yes!

270
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,400
By me!

271
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,400
Because it was the best
way of demonstrating

272
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,080
how dangerous
alternating current is!

273
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,800
If these two men get their way,

274
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,440
it won't just be elephants
getting Westinghoused!

275
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,200
Just excuse me for a second, sir.
What exactly does that mean?

276
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,600
It means getting electrocuted.

277
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,360
No, it doesn't! He made that up!

278
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,200
Stop using my name to mean electrocuted.

279
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,800
{\an8}Everyone's using it. Who?

280
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,080
{\an8}That's it, that's it!

281
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,720
{\an8}I rule in favour of Tesla
and Westinghouse.

282
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:08,840
Why?

283
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,760
Well, cos the worst thing Mr Tesla
has done to an animal

284
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,760
is to fall in love with a pigeon.

285
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,000
He hasn't, like you, sir,
tried to electrocute it!

286
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,000
Yes! Thank you, Judge!

287
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,680
PIGEON COOS

288
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,400
Do you do weddings?

289
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,480
Mm-hm, yes.

290
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,160
Er, court dismissed.

291
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,760
You are all invited!

292
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,880
Yes, I'll be washing... my hair.

293
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,600
I'm Charles Babbage,

294
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,320
mathematician, philosopher,
the father of the computer

295
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,480
and inventor of shoes
that walk on water.

296
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:42,000
The computer was more popular than
the water shoes, weirdly.

297
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,480
Anyway, I love
to explore our planet,

298
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,160
but, tell me, how did
I once do that?

299
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:48,680
Did I...?

300
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,680
And the answer is B.

301
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:05,280
In 1828, I actually lowered myself
on a rope into Mount Vesuvius

302
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,080
so I could look at the lava.

303
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,840
I did not think this through,
to be honest.

304
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,880
Erm... Hoo-hoo!

305
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,440
It is hot in here!

306
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:19,920
I brought a wooden yardstick to see
how deep the lava went, but, well...

307
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:24,000
...fire plus wood equals
more fire, less wood.

308
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,640
Told you I was a mathematician.

309
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,480
I'm worried I'm going to die.

310
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,280
Well, what with the fart stick's
teething troubles

311
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:37,120
and me not wanting to go into
active volcanoes for a living,

312
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,680
I've crossed inventing off the list.

313
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,720
But I could still
help people in a new job.

314
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,320
I'm very much an
all-action kind of rat,

315
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,320
so maybe I could try a career
in the armed forces,

316
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,160
or even the police!

317
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:52,840
SIREN BLARES

318
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:53,920
Ooh!

319
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,840
I heard a tip-off about
an legal operation

320
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,560
right in the heart of the community.

321
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,040
I've heard they've got kids
involved and everything. Sick.

322
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,160
SIREN BLARES

323
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,360
It starts with morris dancing gangs.

324
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,760
That's just a gateway
to leaping and vaulting.

325
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,240
Look, unbelievable.

326
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,280
Before you know it - bang!
It's a full maypole bonanza.

327
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,520
Illegal maypole dancing.

328
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,400
Breaks your heart.

329
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,360
I'm sorry, can we...?

330
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,080
Hey, stop in
the name of Puritan law!

331
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,920
Step away from the maypole,
step away!

332
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,720
This whole area is
a hotbed of dance-related crime.

333
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,520
THEY GROAN

334
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,680
Oh! I've been hit.

335
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,840
You get hardened to it.

336
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,760
It's just a ribbon. I know.

337
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,800
But, sir, it's jolly!

338
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,920
Sometimes, they're even
armed with lutes.

339
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,360
I am arresting you for possession
of a maypole with intent

340
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,600
to dance around it with ribbons
and bells.

341
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,880
Oh, it's not a maypole!

342
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,240
It's just a thin tree.

343
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,880
Pull the other one -
it's got bells on.

344
00:13:55,880 --> 00:14:00,240
I know it was a win today,
but sometimes, when it's quiet,

345
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,400
I can hear the jingles at night.

346
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,920
BELLS JINGLE

347
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,960
What? I'm going undercover.

348
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,920
Sorry. Yep.

349
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,960
Ah! Who's there? It's me.

350
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,240
Don't shoot.

351
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,480
What are you doing
out in no-man's-land?

352
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,760
I thought I could hear the British
moving towards us,

353
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,840
so I went to look. All I found was
this. What is it -

354
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,120
a grenade? No, it's a tin can.

355
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,560
It's what they keep their food in.
Curse them!

356
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,000
They're in our country
and they're eating better than us.

357
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,160
I don't know about that.

358
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,360
I heard it was just a mush
of turnips, beans and animal fat.

359
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,440
Wait, wouldn't eating a lot of that
sort of thing make someone...

360
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,080
LOUD FART
What was that? Well, it wasn't me.

361
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,240
FARTING

362
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,760
Did you hear that? They heard that
in Gallipoli - and smelled it, too.

363
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,440
FARTING

364
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,800
Cork it, Simpson - they'll hear us!
I can't help it, Sarge.

365
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,640
It's these Maconochie cans of
food we've been eating.

366
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,760
They're very, er...
HE FARTS

367
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:13,160
...dry.

368
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,640
Well, keep it down.

369
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,200
Ah! It's the British. They're out
there, sneaking up on us.

370
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,680
FARTING THROUGHOUT

371
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,160
I wouldn't call it sneaking.

372
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,200
Sorry! For goodness' sake,
Perkins, clench.

373
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,760
You're giving away our position.

374
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,000
Right, OK, that was me.
I'll take that one.

375
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,200
Cor! I'm glad those
uniforms are brown.

376
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,120
{\an8}There's an Ottoman outpost just up
ahead. Are we in position?

377
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,760
Sounds like they're going to attack.

378
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,960
FARTING
Smells like it, too.

379
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,760
On my whistle.
SQUEAKY FART

380
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,800
That wasn't it!
I think we should retreat.

381
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,120
Because there's too many of them?
No, I just can't stand the smell.

382
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,360
WHISTLE BLOWS

383
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,000
FARTING

384
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,600
Hm. They've gone.
Looks like the left in a...

385
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,720
HE FARTS
Ooh. ..hurry.

386
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,120
I'll light a lantern and see if
they have any fresh food.

387
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,880
No, don't light a...
EXPLOSION

388
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,400
FILM TRAILER VOICEOVER:
When their nation called,

389
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,520
they answered.

390
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:17,480
Here she is - the Flying Fortress.

391
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,640
We'll be taking her
up to 10,000 feet

392
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,360
on a bombing raid
over Nazi enemy lines.

393
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,280
You know what that means?

394
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,600
Ice cream. Huh?

395
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,880
Why are we taking
a canister of liquid cream?

396
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,760
It might be liquid now, but
if we anchor it to the rear gunner

397
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,200
compartment and then fly at
high altitude, what'll happen?

398
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,480
It'll get shaken up.

399
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,120
And freeze. Becoming?

400
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,560
Ice cream.

401
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,000
Yessiree bob.

402
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,160
I'm scared.
We've got no choice, Mickey.

403
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,240
We're nearly out of tutti-frutti.

404
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,200
What's the situation?

405
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,200
Turning nicely, but we need
to go higher so it freezes.

406
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,800
EXPLOSION

407
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,600
Mickey? Mickey!

408
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,840
No!

409
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,320
No.

410
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,840
Don't worry, man,

411
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,440
it's just raspberry sauce.

412
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,000
It goes a beauty on my tutti-frutti.

413
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,600
Emergency landing!
Prepare the fire engine!

414
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,360
EXPLOSION

415
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,960
And the wafers!

416
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,400
Yes!
CHEERING

417
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:46,320
Gentlemen, we've got
another mission.

418
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,080
ALL: Rocky-road flavour!

419
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,360
This is...

420
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,480
Yeah, a bit too much danger
going on there for my liking.

421
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,480
However, I've had a brainwave.

422
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,680
The best job in the world is...

423
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,480
...ruling a nation.
Think about it.

424
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,720
I could be a dictator or a king.

425
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,960
Everyone just does what you
say all the time.

426
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,760
You have people to get your food
out of the bins for you,

427
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,240
and your home is some
kind of palace.

428
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,080
Ruling a nation might just
be the job for me.

429
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,120
Hm.

430
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,560
HE SNORES

431
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:31,840
{\an8}It is, er, time for you to
wake up, Your Majesty.

432
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,680
Hey! Hello, my subjects!

433
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,920
It is I, King Louis XIV. What's up?

434
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,360
A lot of you have been asking,

435
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,240
"Hey, Louis, how come you look
so banging every morning?"

436
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,320
It is a good question.

437
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,760
Well, it is partly down to my
natural awesomeness,

438
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,880
but, er, I do get, er,
a teensy-weensy bit of help.

439
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,240
Eh? Say hello!

440
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,800
ALL: Hello.

441
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,560
This is my chief valet de
chambre, Alexandre Bontemps.

442
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,240
He is one of the most powerful
people in all of France.

443
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,720
{\an8}I get to sleep in a tiny bed
in the corner of his bedroom.

444
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,920
Super-cool, super-cool.

445
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,800
The closer I let people get to me,
the more important they are.

446
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,000
And he is so close to me,
he can literally breathe in

447
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,280
my poo des pantalons.
HE FARTS

448
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,600
There we go! Hey!

449
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,960
Hey-hey!
Hashtag winning at life!

450
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,560
FARTING

451
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,840
After wakey-wakey, my physician
and surgeon come in to check

452
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,440
if I'm superfit
and to take off my nightshirt.

453
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,920
At these important moments,
it gives them a chance to ask me

454
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,760
{\an8}for a private favour.

455
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,560
{\an8}I have a little dispute
with a neighbour.

456
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:36,320
{\an8}I was wondering - could you have him
arrested and all his land seized?

457
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,680
Oh, you scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.

458
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,480
Oi! Backscratching's my job.

459
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,400
Once I am out of my sweaty
nightshirt, I have a quick pray.

460
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,800
Dear God,
aren't we both awesome? Amen.

461
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,360
And then I get dressed in my other
bedroom in front of more courtiers.

462
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,400
CHEERING

463
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,240
Hey, who's got my undies?

464
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,920
Ah! I give them responsibility
for different items of clothing

465
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,240
so while they're arguing over who
owns my under-crackers,

466
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,040
they're less likely to
plot against me, eh?

467
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,120
{\an8}Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky.

468
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:11,840
That is Maurice.

469
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,640
He used to be in charge
of my undies,

470
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,080
but he missed a lot of skids.

471
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,640
{\an8}Didn't you, Maurice?!

472
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,560
It is too late now!

473
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:25,360
That's right, I wear a little
sleeping wig.

474
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,200
{\an8}Well, I don't want to
look stupid, you know.

475
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,320
{\an8}So, who wants to help me
get changed?

476
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,560
THEY ALL SHOUT

477
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:36,640
Ah, mornings - so much to do
before you can get going, 'uh?

478
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,400
{\an8}Hello, guys, and thanks
for clicking on this tutorial

479
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:47,040
where I'm going to teach you how to
photo chop your photos.

480
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,240
I'm Russian leader Joseph Stalin.

481
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,640
With my help, your photos
will be getting top MARX.

482
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,160
The results will really

483
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,720
BOLshevik your friends
over! Ha-ha-ha!

484
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,280
But, seriously, the ability to erase
someone from history

485
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,000
is a godlike power.

486
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,200
Let's get started.

487
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,920
OK, so let's say you have a photo.

488
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,800
There's a problem here.

489
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,480
Can you spot it?

490
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,960
{\an8}That's Antipov.
He was a traitor.

491
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,160
We don't want him, do we?

492
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,800
So, just a chop, chop, chop

493
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:31,040
{\an8}and, boom, that's the photo
and the history correct.

494
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,360
By the way,
there is another problem.

495
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,040
There.

496
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,920
That is Shvernik.

497
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,760
{\an8}Very annoying!

498
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,160
{\an8}He was demoted.

499
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,800
It wouldn't look right for him
to be here.

500
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,880
Let's get to work

501
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,120
and paint him out of history.

502
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,440
Ah! Perfect.

503
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,720
Uh-oh!

504
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,360
Who is this?

505
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,160
No, it can't be Kirov, can it?

506
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,080
People said I had him shot later,

507
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:04,600
so it would be awkward
if there was a photo of us together.

508
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,960
{\an8}Hm. KIROV you go.

509
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,040
There, at last -

510
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,280
history as it should be.

511
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,680
The perfect picture.

512
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,000
The picture you
should have taken

513
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,880
in the first place, Comrade Camera.

514
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,680
If you weren't a traitor!

515
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:25,880
Agh! Who do you work for?!
Who do you work for?!

516
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,480
Who's laughing now, Comrade Camera?

517
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:33,120
So, that's how you photo chop your
photos to get rid of your enemies.

518
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,160
Don't forget to like and subscribe,

519
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,240
or I might have you
erased from history.

520
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:41,760
Ha-ha! No, seriously, I might.

521
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:49,080
I'm Queen Victoria and I'm
something of a wedding aficionado.

522
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,960
Firstly, as Queen, I was the one
that proposed to my husband.

523
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,000
Ha, take that, patriarchy!

524
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,520
I also married off all nine
of my children.

525
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,760
Hashtag parenting goals!

526
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:05,240
I even have four grandchildren
who married each other. Hm!

527
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,120
But as a natural-born trendsetter,

528
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,680
what part of the wedding did
I make popular?

529
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:18,440
Was it...

530
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:19,720
The answer is

531
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,760
C. It was my wedding dress
that made everyone want to wear

532
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,080
white at their weddings.
But do you know what's strange?

533
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,440
My dress wasn't strictly white.

534
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,120
It was a kind of ivory.

535
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,800
You can't tell in the pictures,

536
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,320
because people painted it
whiter than it was.

537
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,680
So I started the white-wedding craze

538
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,640
by not wearing
a white wedding dress.

539
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,360
Legend!

540
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,600
I'm not sure being in charge
sounds much fun.

541
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,280
Rather than being a
rule-maker, perhaps

542
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,440
I'd be better as a rule-breaker.

543
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,800
Some of the best
of those were pirates.

544
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,200
Let's face it,
I look good in the kit. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

545
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,840
You know what, though?
Sitting here and showing you all

546
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:04,200
this stuff from history has made me
realise the best job for me

547
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:08,280
is actually sitting here and showing
you all this stuff from history.

548
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,400
I guess that means I'll see
you next time. Bye!

549
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,720
Oh!

550
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:19,440
♪ Pirate operator
There's none greater

551
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,360
{\an8}

552
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,240
{\an8}

553
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:28,840
♪ It's no surprise I cause a scare
I keep lit tapers in my hair... ♪

554
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,440
Now me take to...
HIGH-PITCHED: ..your loot.

555
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,680
Ahem, excuse me.

556
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,720
♪ I don't need your silver and gold

557
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:40,640
♪ Cos they're far too
heavy in my hold

558
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:44,680
♪ Give me cumin, nutmeg
and all of your wine

559
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:48,560
♪ Anything I can sell will do fine

560
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,640
♪ Look out cos here we come

561
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:52,480
♪ Sailing in the hot sun

562
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,960
♪ Flag has got a skull on... ♪

563
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,760
See.

564
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,720
♪ Here's what my advice is
Hand over your spices

565
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,400
♪ Or get cut into slices... ♪

566
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,080
No, I'm serious

567
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,840
♪ Anne Bonny
Mary Read

568
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,560
♪ Equal opportunity

569
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:13,120
♪ Gonns take your rum for a tidy sum

570
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:16,560
♪ Secret sails to the colonies

571
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,240
♪ If you want tea, it's me you see

572
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,400
♪ But don't tell the governor!

573
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,960
♪ We may be bad
but in case of dispute

574
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,440
♪ Pirates' gold means
you'll get your fair loot

575
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,680
♪ And when we're caught
we'll claim pregnancy

576
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:38,400
♪ It's what's known
as pleading the belly

577
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:42,800
♪ Feel the Caribbean
underneath the hot sun

578
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,000
♪ Ship with 36 guns

579
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,720
♪ Stealing from everyone

580
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,880
♪ Then sell it back to them
Spend it on having fun... ♪

581
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,960
Yeah!

582
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:57,880
♪ We're out looting stock

583
00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,960
♪ Sell at every stop

584
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:01,800
♪ Be it sugar or spice

585
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,320
♪ All competitively priced

586
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:08,200
♪ A pirate's life
isn't quite what it seems

587
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:12,680
♪ Some have even robbed ships
for the Queen

588
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:16,280
♪ We'll sell you just enough
so you give us your stuff

589
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:20,280
♪ Cos I'd rather keep my
cutlass clean... ♪

590
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,240
But we will kill you if we have to.

591
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,400
♪ On the ocean we row

592
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,600
♪ Under skull and crossbones

593
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,240
♪ Galleon is our home

594
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:30,800
♪ Harr-harr!

595
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,600
♪ Stealing is a pleasure
We don't bury treasure

596
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,440
♪ Spend it at our leisure

597
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,200
♪ Oh!
Living life on the run

598
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,360
♪ Underneath the hot sun

599
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,520
♪ Easier said than done

600
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:46,920
♪ Yeah, yeah!

601
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,120
♪ Cos there'll be retribution

602
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:51,400
♪ We'll face prosecution

603
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:55,200
♪ And an execution
Oh, yeah! ♪

604
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,320
Forgot about that. Not ideal.

605
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,640
It won't just
be elephants

606
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,200
getting...

607
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,920
What's your name?

608
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:07,680
It won't just
be elephants

609
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,720
getting Worthingtonhoused. LAUGHTER

610
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,960
♪ The past is
no longer a mystery

611
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,920
♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible histories. ♪

612
00:27:16,970 --> 00:27:21,520
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